Chapter 1

We all want to be someone in this life. I think I haven't really decided on mine. Its all just being thrown at me even at 32. 

Some days I want to be just a full time mother, some days I want to be an entrepreneur, a novelist, an artist, and lately, a teacher. But doing a self-assessment, I don't think I can really do so much. I'm really more of a slow-doer. I also tend to overthink rather than overdoing. So, I guess, I need to be more strategic with my life goals given my very limited capacity.  

When we came here, I was so anxious of so many things. This is when I realized that I cant really handle too much. And being able to accept this fact is I think a huge step for me in fixing my life. Plus, there are also a lot of outside factors that are beyond my control, and to be honest, this is why I am letting go of that you can do anything mentality. I guess it only applied in my 20-something naive and optimistic mind.

Just to give you a picture and this is just one example, when we were packing up in Manila in preparation of our move here to Tokyo, we were also doing a lot of things. We would run to meetings and site inspections with our baby and and we completely underestimated the entirety of our tasks. I forgot that taking care of the baby is already a lot of task on its own, playing with her or keeping her entertained, preparing her food and snacks, cleaning up the house, cleaning up after eating, doing the laundry, fixing the washed clothes, and all on the side, while also doing a major cram of packing up our life---literally and figuratively. My husband had to meet people here and there, attend farewell parties, but at the same time telling them, that hey were not totally leaving. We still have business here. Yes, that was crucial for us. We did not want people to think we're leaving for good. Oh, and also, while still taking care of our active clients. That was whew, very very tiring. Since this schedule was too much for me, I lost my appetite and I only ate because I felt guilty that I didn't and that I needed to . I felt guilty because I was still breastfeeding and I know its going to affect my supply. I also didn't sleep well because I took the time at night to actually think and do more planning--or just be anxious. I think during this time I weighed less or flat 40 kg and I knew and felt that I was really at my weakest physically. My husband was also the same. Afterall, we were living the same life somehow. I think he can be worse sometimes when he needs to drink out with his friends. We were both so drained.

Eventually, we did it, we were able to do everything that we planned. Although there were a little mishaps here and there which raised my blood pressure from time to time but overall, we were successful with our pack up. 

However, on the day of our flight, something unforgettable happened. I was not able to sleep the night before and was also not able to eat properly either the next day, actually not eating properly those days,--, as we were so rushed and we were packing up to the last minute. 

I was so sentimental with some of our stuff, which I realized now that I should not have been, and I was also sentimental with the place that we rented. Those were all part of our first year as a family. We were so bonded there. Locked down together with my kind, funny, and annoying husband and my very sweet one year old daughter. It was a beautiful and peaceful time for me. It was simple and without the pressures of the outside world and the bad news on television, it would have been perfect. 

I was also thinking about my old parents who although I'm used to not living with, of course still makes me feel sad that I'll be distanting myself even more.  This means that my daughter will not have easy access to them anymore and I know that they also want to see her too from time to time. 

I was also thinking about the business and my partner. Will this be another failure for me? 

I was just in a whirlwind and the combination of bad health is not good with too many emotions.

And so, on the plane, my baby was on my lap since we did not buy a seat for my daughter as she was still below 2 years and we thought that 4 hours isn't that long anyway. Right after take off and as we go higher, for some reason, I was feeling really hot. I thought it was just me and my baby's body heats combining but my husband agreed that it was hot. I tried to ignore and endure it.  My baby was more clingy than usual and only wanted to be held by me. I was starting to feel dizzy and nauseaus. I was not sure if it was the heat or if it was motion sickness. I tried to sleep it off and struggled to breathe calmly but less than an hour before we land, I felt like catching my breath and I forced place my baby on my husband's lap as I felt like I'm running out of air. She didn't like it and I felt that she felt something was wrong as she looked at me with her worried eyes. It can also be worry that she won't be with me, I'm not sure. As I was struggling to breathe, I suddenly started to feel a tingling sensation in my arms like it was going numb. I thought, isn't this a symptom of a heart attack? Why can't I breathe properly? I learned somewhere that lifting your arms can help prevent a heart attack and so I did, and continuously squeezed my palms to encourage my blood flow. I held my husband's hands and told him as calmly as I could, what I was feeling.  

"My love, I can't breathe and something's wrong with my arms. I'm not sure. Can you ask for help?" 

I could not speak Japanese and we were on an ANA flight so I can't explain it myself too even if I wanted to.

It was still going on and my daughter started to panic and went hysterical. I wanted to take her back and comfort her but I thought, if its really the heat, I need to be careful as if I raise my temperature up again, it would be even harder for me to breathe. A heat stroke can also be possible as I was really feeling hot. It was not getting any better and we're about 15 minutes to land, I had to wait. I don't want to cause a commotion while landing. It was also not safe. So in those minutes before we land Tokyo, I held my husband's hand tightly and told him that I love him so dearly and to please take care of our daughter no matter what. I really thought that I could die any moment. In parallel, I was also praying to God, please please I want to still spend my life with my family. I want to see my beautiful daughter grow and to be there for her every step of her life. I was begging for my life.

Finally, we landed. I was still alive but I was still struggling and the flight attendants immediately helped me off my seat and assisted me to walk to the middle part of the plane where they made a temporary bed on the ground. They lifted my feet. I started to feel better but I was still trying to be cautious and continued to lift my arms up. I was still trying to think what was happening to me. Obviously, the flight attendants did not know as well what to do with me. Aside from lying me down, there was nothing else they can do. They also can't tell what was wrong with me. If I were really having a heart attack, I guess I would have died there already. 

I was starting to lose the numbing in my arms and I was slowly regulating my breath better. I started to feel relief. Thank God I said. Thank you so much. 

In that moment, I was just really thankful. I was thankful to God and to my husband who stayed composed and took care of my daughter.

I asked my husband if we can go. I was still feeling unstable but I didn't want to stay there any longer. Maybe there's a clinic in the airport too where I can rest. Everyone on the plane have left and we were the last ones to get off. They got me a wheelchair. Yes, my first time to use one. I was still lightheaded like I can pass out if I neglect